So it's been awhile... Ah my dearest blog, sits empty. Eagerly anticipating something, anything at this point. It's been almost two months since I wrote. So much longer in all other aspects of my life. Unless you consider and count the arbitrary things, such as bills, a card, a note to staff, a missed phone message to my boss. Frankly.. it's been a while. My dear friend Chad, has probably been waving the white flag of surrender to any hope that I will ever send him anything. I am sorry. A valiant effort, I hope to succeed soon. Just don't give up on me.
I know it doesn't matter to anyone if I have anything posted, but this used to be something that came second nature to me. Now I force myself, to think of anything noteworthy.
Since the new year, I feel I've been in a race, I'm still running, but being constantly lapped. I stay focused, but for all the wrong reasons, and the focus..well it's blurry at times. I seem to eat, breathe and sleep work anymore. Granted, I am blessed I have good jobs, and it does pay the bills, but sanity is just a state anymore.
My job is great, but is it so great, it interferes with all facets of my life? My passions are but a daydream, and my energy is zapped.
I was told just the other day, "Any day you wake up, is a good day!" I do believe that, but what happens when you just want to stay in bed?

HA----To prove my point, this was wrote around the first of the year, and I am going to attempt to finish it.

By rereading it is evident things have not changed, I am still busy, and I am still dreaming of my new comfy pillow, silky sheets, and slumber. I am almost certain I think of sleep at least ten times a day. Yet, when I am ready for bed, it is not at all what I had imagined. I seem to toss and turn aimlessly, and dream like a crazy person.

Ah good intentions, but wasted endeavors. I want to write, I try to write, but come up empty handed. I used to be good at it, or should I say good at least putting words to paper/screen.

Yeah, pretty certain I am still in that above mentioned race, but at this point I am walking. I will finish, but it won't be pretty.

I will be better blogger, I guarantee it! (I am not promising this time though!)

This time for real

i've seen enough, i've heard enough
it will never be enough.

what will i need to do?

this is the leaving, whats left of me and you.

my last bag packed, the wounds yet to heal, i stand steady....

this time for real.

i look for you, but i know.

on the wall,the frame
the photograph that binds us

smugly aware it was all for show.

the tick tock, the mantel clock time displays defeat.

just one last tryst a pass by the home, of two lives together, but all alone.

the drip drip drop, the faucet echos in a hollow kitchen,
a loveless meal.

i needed your help, i needed sense of direction
something of some sort or any attention.

relationships; make you crazy, make you cry.
make you meager, a beggar a disarray to disguise.

the newspaper sits by your arm chair stand,
your shirt starched and pristine.
however, for the last time.

what was thought to be love, all but turned out to be wool covering the bleeting of the proverbial lamb to slaughter.

I slam the door, for lasting impact, a little self release.
The click clack of heels on pavement, the sound of not looking back

this time for real

a good book

Lately, I have found myself, picking bad reading. Well rather, my mother has. She is kind enough to give me her books after she has read, and then I too, can pass them on. It's been months of idle shop talk. Mom and I used to talk of the books, curious what the next chapter in the life of so and so would be like, but as of late.. nothing. I have a total of 15 books, I have just thrown in the Goodwill box, because I can't get into them. I have given them chapters, waiting for something to spark my soul. Today.........after one paragraph of a new book, I am hooked. Ahh glorious grand feeling. It's like hitting the lottery. I am almost afraid to peek in farther, for fear the book will let me down, or I will read so fast, I will be pedaling faster and harder for a new book. It makes me wonder if my degree of curiousity, adventure, or zest has changed, that all of a sudden, I am bored. I hope not. I just hope it was the lofty choices of the "book club" my mother belongs too.
Ahhh joyous occasion I have a fulfilling story to unfold in front of me.

maybe i meant broken
pushed to hard
lost along the way
no one seemed to know
or care for that matter.
look into these eyes
no soul. no spirit.
dont' you realize you've become me,
something you want,
can't get away from.
dark shadows, orbits of
hallowed wells.
that makes us stand up and realize
life doesn't fear you,
but you fear the fact of life grasping
all you live for.

trying to get back on the blogging track...

it's been a long while, too long, yet, as i decided i wanted to write something, i really don't know what i want to say.
my mind a funnel, an ever whirling wind of ...well just that, full of wind.

i heard a line from a song, "all i want is today".........yeah, that is precisely what i want.....but really what is that?

each day seems to be a new struggle to get going. I am no longer that engine that could, I am that jalopy, that spits, sputters, and rattles getting ready in the morning.

i need caffeine, and alot of it each day.
i take less and less time in the morning to get ready, as sleep now seems more of a priority. yet...i've gotten more sleep in the last year, than i have in many years past.

i say a small silent prayer every morning before I turn my computer on at work, that no one will yell at me, and TODAY will be a good day.

i wish i didn't rely on 'wishing' so much.

So yesterday marked the anniversary of Phil and his ever so famous journey of, "to see or not to see" (his shadow that is) Poor rodent, we hold so much blame over his head for Mother Natures naughtiness.
When in fact, there truly is six more weeks of Winter left, regardless if he sees his shadow or not. But realistically its how bad those six weeks are going to be, then....hence our next pun of March coming in like a lion or a lamb. Wow........ where do we get this stuff?
I realized after once again promising myself to be a better blogger, I am really dreadfully bad at it. I have so many drafts in my posts, that good lord, I could write a novel, but alas...... they sit. I get such great ideas, then nothing. So the idea, or sentance sits, and I have nothing. I will dearest blog try better, get you some face time.
Although yesterday was Groundhog day, it was also my Grandmother's birthday. All day I told myself, do not forget to call her, and if you do so help me god, you will feel lousy. I didn't before work because I didn't want to wake her, after all she is retired, she gets to sleep in. I didn't want to call during work because I would get interrupted, and so as soon as I turned the sign to close, I called her.
And funny, I made excuses of calling her all day (yes, those were excuses earlier) I felt the weight lift. Even thou

RaNDomNEss

this is the first time i've ever gotten an earache since maybe birth, i never want another one, i feel like i am walking on a balance beam on a pontoon.

i think this has been one of the craziest years for weather; snow till may, tornado's everyday, (no ryhming intended)and yet we are in the midst of global warming.

what exactly is global warming?

lately i crave sleep, reese's, watermelon, perfect fountain diet coke, thunder but no storm, sweet corn, and cold. I am not interested in the interrupted night sleep, but hard out of it naps. fresh reeses' just bagged from the assembly line, watermelon, ripe and seedless. diet coke bursting with carbonation, plenty of ice, and a good solid straw. Lots and lots of cracking thunder, but a gentle rain. I want sweet corn on the cob, the small ears of speckled corn bursting with flavor and nice cold air conditioning, so chilly i can curl up with a blanket and book and be satisfied. I hate waking wrapped in sweat, and sticky. I like the shock my body gets going from the hot muggy outdoors to inside a ice bin.. ahhh... glorious goosebumps.

i can't stand the anti smoking commercials, with fake dummie bodies lined up, or the one million dead, etc... I don't smoke, I am a poster child for pushing the cancer stick to cease, yet I am baffled and mad at the atrocity of those commercials. yes, i am mental.

i love the smell of wet dirt, soaked earth, and new grass, especially after a rain, but yet, i throw profanity's into the atomosphere, mowing my bumpy yard. However, when it's all said and done, mowing isn't all that bad. But why hasn't it been mowed in two weeks?

I realize I have a minor obsession lately with my cell phone, it's at my side all the time, or the inbox tab on my email, i am forever and constantly 'refreshing' it.

I find myself consumed by my facebook and myspace, and wonder what year it will be passing fancy and 'so outdated'..... It drives me nuts when people send me money for buying me, or comments on taking a movie quiz, but yet I heartily smile, b.c. i got a new comment. I am possessed by the internet, due to my lifelines of these two pages. I love bragging my niece up, getting emails, or seeing a new friend request, but yet saddens me to think I keep in touch, only by these accounts.

lately i've had dreams about dolphins, should i be concerned?

I love the way the neon color of a highlighter lights up a page when first dabbed, but i am disheartened by the final stage. It's a drab almost mustard yellow. I guess still succeeds in getting it's point across, just not ...well as pretty.

I've decided lately one of my favorite smells is, fresh doughnuts.... ahhh glorious! I walk into gas station in the morning to get my 'perfect' diet coke and the aroma hits me...I've been so proud of myself, I haven't faltered and grabbed a whole box, or one for that matter of those glazed wheels of heaven. Man I can see myself go weak in the knees and cave soon.

Did you know that I have never had a twinkee, a t.v. dinner, learned to drive a stick shift or had a banana split.

I want to go hang gliding, bungee jumping, backpacking through New Zealand, and have my own studio.

I was told a few weeks back by an elder that I looked like a smart girl, while pumping gas. He told me to add a little water to each gallon in my gas tank and it would cut down on fuel costs. Ahh... I must be a 'smart' girl.

I need my diet coke..