we all float on

Again, ahhh I've been ignoring the site. I love having a short week, but seems the days after are all uphill. I can't decide my emotions or mood the last 48 hours. I've definitely catapulted about every emotion a person could have. Why? In part, some odd weeks later, I finally realized the fact of being used. I am gullible, I am a stupid naive person. Something I knew already, but didn't think I would fall once again. It just seems my heart and head don't tread down the same path, and somewhere one fails and the other doesn't know how to react. I refuse to accept that I have been an utter mockery to someones else's pleasure, but so be it.
I've realized in the past months with that, I have new friends that have definitely been my anchors and kept me floating on. God bless, Gina, Megan, and Maggie. Without them, I dont know how I would have forced smiles and laughter. They make madness, into perfect sense. We all lean on someone, whether it's a family member, a friend, spouse, or faith. Someone is there listening. I don't spill feelings, I seem to divert them, or tell just enough to thread the needle. I have this forbidden concept of not, saying no. But when I do, it comes back to bite me, or bothers me soo much, I can't sleep at night. Insane I do know that.
Sometimes I just don't want to be the nice person everything accepts I am. I want to be the person that take their food bad thru the drive thru because they screwed it up, instead I accept whatever it is. Or talk back and speak my peace when someone screams at me at the top of their lungs because something isnt' going their way. Instead, I take it all in, accept the complaint, and blame it on myself. However, I don't think I can break the mold of what shaped me. I know the difference of being a glutton and a hard ass, but why is it I appear to teeter on the glutton aspect. I guess I know the answer, I just don't know why I chose to be used.