Lost Love

it's been too long between visits.
12 years, 2 months, and 16 days.......but who's counting?

i pick my nails, one is slightly uneven, i tear at it in earnest....
it's now shorter...
do i pick at the rest, or just let it go?

I have ugly aggressive hands... better than some I've shook, and not as bad as my feet.

I hate the swell in my stomach; acid bouncing, on an empty stomach.
coffee burns, but soothes the nerves.

Tori on the Ipod. I am liberated. Old, but young in this cafe.

I catch a glimpse of my reflection in the brown liquid. Who am I kidding? What am I denying?

stupid nails, don't pick at them.

I always wanted a second chance, but why do I get one, when i feel it's too late?

fate!

I shouldn't be here, I should be here.

White horses, blue ribbons, flowers by the door.....

A man in his 60's boldly stares at me. Why? Do i dare wave? A nod is sufficient. I look away.

I hate the cold. I hate the humidity. I suppose I hate myself.

fold, fold, fold over and over, I take the folded napkin and slide it under my wobbly table. Its the only balance I have for today.

That man with the stare, the ice blue eyes, where have I seen him before?

I am miles away from knowing anyone.

The faceless name in the crowd, yet I feel on display.
wait i am on display.

i could poke fun at myself, flop around like a trout out of water,
that would serve the peering eyes.

but..... i know i wont.

i smile at the thought of that.

i've dabbled with the wounded bird, fought the insanity of self loathing,
and played the hopeless card.

i don't remember a time i wasn't at home in this place, now displaced for many years, i am out of line to the soldiers on guard.

which shadow took my place?

are they staring back at me?

there is a string separate from the pact on my blouse, is it a safe pull?
it might as well be an ink stain, because i will obsess over it.

Ah i wish i had fingernail clippers along, that would eliminate the strand, but then i may not have such uneven fingernails if i fancied a concept as such.

the bell jangles by the door, as if the house lights dim for the main act on stage, every eye moves to the door.


deep breathe, deep breathe, could it be the man i am willed to meet?
he seemed guarded, worry present by the lines on his forehead.

smoothing his suit jacket, he heads towards the counter.
with a nod of his head, a waitress is filling a coffee cup for him.

he stares right through me
doubt fills my mind.

but in a split second his face lights up
he remembers me.

do i get up to greet him?
do i stay seated?

why am i placated into the girl i vowed never to return to?
i gasp for air, my hands sweaty i wipe them quickly.

before i have a chance to stand, he is seated across from me
nervous energy courses through my blood.

he looks right into my eyes
as if he has burned a hole in mine

he smiles
i smile

conversation follows suit
i fall into the comfortable flow of words

he nods
lightly brushes his right hand to touch my fingertips

i feel as if lightning has struck
every sense is alive and wanting more

he tells me i am beautiful
i lose focus for a moment

i am smiling on the inside
i am glowing on the outside

the time tick-tocks off the clock
pitter pat of the my heart

i am bursting with new self confidence
i haven't completely lost myself over the years

every word i want to hear
every feeling i've craved for so long

i am set free
for the first time in a long while

a patron nods in approval
i nod back

ah to feel so certain and wanted again
i am still in love with him

in that instance the room starts spinning
the cafe is laughing at me, you fool they cry

i can't catch my breathe
i can't will to look at him

i may fall to death from foolishness
how naive of me

he looks at me perplexed
then looks to the floor

i want nothing more than the earth to suck me in
i am biting tears back

i stand, focus on the door
he reaches out, i am not steady

i place my hand on his
i cup it in mine

my eyes, my actions gravitate towards his ring
and i am reminded once more i am everyone's pawn

in a game i can't escape.