life, a twisted fairytale I call my own

Should we be talking Fort Nebraska now? - Omaha.com

2011-07-19T12:48:00.000-07:00

WOW...GREAT ARTICLE.. HIGHLIGHTING NEBRASKA

Should we be talking Fort Nebraska now? - Omaha.com

20 photos of my trip to post office

2011-07-11T12:46:00.000-07:00

This was sort of a challenge amongst a friend and I. It was rebuttle of nothing is interesting this time of year. These photos were taken on March 8, 2011. These photos represented my trek to the post office. Granted I took an unconventional route back..ah through the alley. However, I wanted to prove once again "Ordinary can be Extraordinary"

NEVER EVER LEAVE HOME WITHOUT IT

2011-06-09T09:05:00.000-07:00

I never understood how everyone wanted to "digitally" get all their music, or read all their books....till now. When I first got my droid and discovered kindle on there the application sat idle for months. It wasn't till the talented author Patricia Bremmer, released this book only for kindle
that I threw caution to the wind and tried. I was immediately hooked by the author, and had to read more. Discovering that some of her books were hard to get in print, I am like what the heck, I will buy the Kindle book for my droid. After reading every single book Bremmer wrote I absolutely had to have a Kindle. Every ereader they make wasn't a consideration it had to be the Kindle ereader. As I always do, once I hit BUY IT NOW immediately buyers remorse kicked in. It wasn't till I had the kindle in my hands, did I discover I made the best decision ever. I eat my words on technology. Although I still love my paperbacks, I must say I never leave home without my kindle. Yes folks I have found a new love and a new passion my Amazon kindle!

As fragile as we may be

2011-04-22T14:28:00.000-07:00

"The Apple Tree"

2011-04-07T14:42:00.000-07:00

A friend from college sent me this picture and asked me if I could come up with a short quote on the tree. I needed a bit of background information on the tree, and I said I would be good to go.
She explained to me this tree has been in her family for many years, but the family farm got sold and because of costs involved in moving and uprooting a tree they had to leave it behind. Her father passed away, and it appears this tree probably holds many tears, secrets, stories and moments.
I can almost envision myself under the shade of that tree reading a good book, with a tall glass of ice tea, soaking in the suns warmth.

This was my quote to the family

"Our family much like the apple tree began as but a seed
Individual as we are, we are branches of the same tree.
Fragile, yet strong
Nourished by encouragement and love, to fully blossom
Much like the tree, our family roots run deep."

What do you see through the window?

2011-04-07T13:38:00.000-07:00

This is a photo I took of a old garage window. I fell in love with this broken window even before I got out of the car. It's amazing what one sees through a camera lens as beautiful. I took the picture from four different angles, I wasn't sure how much glare I would get from the sun and the glass.

Interesting what you see, the same window but four totally different scenes.

It just goes to show, there is always more than one side to every story, and no matter how bleak you feel life can be there is always other angles to consider.

Intertwine

2011-04-07T09:21:00.000-07:00

I am making a promise to myself and to others that I will be better at updating my blog. I am going to try and incorporate my random words, my daily tasks, my photography, book, television and music recommendations all into one humble blog. I will eventually have a photography only dedicated blog as well!

"soft kisses"

2011-04-07T08:36:00.000-07:00

"Amy what are you doing?" my niece asks. I have this thing with books. Hardcover books that are old, or new, or heck in between. I love the sound one makes when you open it, and I love the smell. Whether it has that old history smell, or the hot off the press smell. I know I am completely insane, and I got caught red handed by my five year old niece, sniffing the book.
Almost each time we visit my parents the Childcraft books come out. There is one with several short stories, and poems for their age. Every time without fail, we read "I know an old lady who swallowed a fly," this night was no exception.
I begin to read read, and Hannah looks at me all serious, and goes I can feel your breathe. First thing that comes to mind is, kids are so honest, she's going to tell me it stinks or something, but the words tumble out of her mouth and I melt. Amy, your breathe is like soft kisses on me" I said "It is?" "yes, they are like when mommy tucks me into bed at night." If you know me at all, I am putty when it comes to kids especially my nieces and nephew, so I am trying to hold back the tears. I kiss Hannah on the top of her head and we continue reading.
As the story ends, Hannah is leafing through the book for something else, and she spots a drawing of a horse, so I am given my lesson in horse breeds. Without missing a beat Hannah and I are searching the old encyclopedias for breeds of horses. Hannah starts naming them off one by one. Hannah knows her horses, and ultimately wants one. Hard for a city girl to have a pony though.
By the time we are wrapping up the lesson on horses, Rylee and Cash have noticed we are reading, Rylee wants part of the action, and Cash he wants a drink. I hand the book to Hannah and up I go to attend to the parched child.
Gone only moments I capture Hannah and Rylee on the couch with the book...Hannah sniffs the book, smooths out the page, and begins 'reading' to Rylee. Hannah in her most animated tone is reading Rylee the "I know an old lady who swallowed a fly" not wanting them to notice me, I am quietly watching. Hannah then leans forward, or more accurately to the side and kisses Rylee on the head and continues reading.
How perceptive are kids, if Hannah only knew she made my entire month by that little mockery. Its those little moments you get lost in. It never even dawned on me Hannah noticed the kiss on the head, because she never looked and me, and I never thought she would really smell the book. I am sure she has no idea why, I do that, and further more probably didn't know why she did it, but it was sweet none the less. I just hope she doesn't continue the trend and have to smell all her text books in school.

Lost Love

2011-04-02T08:37:00.000-07:00

it's been too long between visits.
12 years, 2 months, and 16 days.......but who's counting?

i pick my nails, one is slightly uneven, i tear at it in earnest....
it's now shorter...
do i pick at the rest, or just let it go?

I have ugly aggressive hands... better than some I've shook, and not as bad as my feet.

I hate the swell in my stomach; acid bouncing, on an empty stomach.
coffee burns, but soothes the nerves.

Tori on the Ipod. I am liberated. Old, but young in this cafe.

I catch a glimpse of my reflection in the brown liquid. Who am I kidding? What am I denying?

stupid nails, don't pick at them.

I always wanted a second chance, but why do I get one, when i feel it's too late?

fate!

I shouldn't be here, I should be here.

White horses, blue ribbons, flowers by the door.....

A man in his 60's boldly stares at me. Why? Do i dare wave? A nod is sufficient. I look away.

I hate the cold. I hate the humidity. I suppose I hate myself.

fold, fold, fold over and over, I take the folded napkin and slide it under my wobbly table. Its the only balance I have for today.

That man with the stare, the ice blue eyes, where have I seen him before?

I am miles away from knowing anyone.

The faceless name in the crowd, yet I feel on display.
wait i am on display.

i could poke fun at myself, flop around like a trout out of water,
that would serve the peering eyes.

but..... i know i wont.

i smile at the thought of that.

i've dabbled with the wounded bird, fought the insanity of self loathing,
and played the hopeless card.

i don't remember a time i wasn't at home in this place, now displaced for many years, i am out of line to the soldiers on guard.

which shadow took my place?

are they staring back at me?

there is a string separate from the pact on my blouse, is it a safe pull?
it might as well be an ink stain, because i will obsess over it.

Ah i wish i had fingernail clippers along, that would eliminate the strand, but then i may not have such uneven fingernails if i fancied a concept as such.

the bell jangles by the door, as if the house lights dim for the main act on stage, every eye moves to the door.

deep breathe, deep breathe, could it be the man i am willed to meet?
he seemed guarded, worry present by the lines on his forehead.

smoothing his suit jacket, he heads towards the counter.
with a nod of his head, a waitress is filling a coffee cup for him.

he stares right through me
doubt fills my mind.

but in a split second his face lights up
he remembers me.

do i get up to greet him?
do i stay seated?

why am i placated into the girl i vowed never to return to?
i gasp for air, my hands sweaty i wipe them quickly.

before i have a chance to stand, he is seated across from me
nervous energy courses through my blood.

he looks right into my eyes
as if he has burned a hole in mine

he smiles
i smile

conversation follows suit
i fall into the comfortable flow of words

he nods
lightly brushes his right hand to touch my fingertips

i feel as if lightning has struck
every sense is alive and wanting more

he tells me i am beautiful
i lose focus for a moment

i am smiling on the inside
i am glowing on the outside

the time tick-tocks off the clock
pitter pat of the my heart

i am bursting with new self confidence
i haven't completely lost myself over the years

every word i want to hear
every feeling i've craved for so long

i am set free
for the first time in a long while

a patron nods in approval
i nod back

ah to feel so certain and wanted again
i am still in love with him

in that instance the room starts spinning
the cafe is laughing at me, you fool they cry

i can't catch my breathe
i can't will to look at him

i may fall to death from foolishness
how naive of me

he looks at me perplexed
then looks to the floor

i want nothing more than the earth to suck me in
i am biting tears back

i stand, focus on the door
he reaches out, i am not steady

i place my hand on his
i cup it in mine

my eyes, my actions gravitate towards his ring
and i am reminded once more i am everyone's pawn

in a game i can't escape.

2010-06-11T14:17:00.000-07:00

I prayed for an angel, a person to take me away.
teach me to fly, believe in something.

A lil bit of song, breathes words in my ear.
I am pulled from the dark, and put somewhere in the middle.

dream caught me
halfway through flight

sunset followed by
the tunneled light of youth

like silver skinned minnows
in moonlight shadows

tortured by self loathing
listening for the raven to cry.

I bounce back, the dark gets lighter.

I am half heartily existing
in what we call reality

the song remains playing
I am somewhere in the refrain.

OVERTURE

2010-06-10T14:31:00.000-07:00

a simple mistake,
i feel alienated
trifled by fate, not fear.

i am aware, i am cold,
lack of voice,
i hear noises.

my memory cloudy
i am miles away from where i should be.

i pray you pick me up
set me down in the calm.

my head pounds
it penetrates the silence,

i am still holding on,
i suspect i do not know what for.

the wind rips, tears into my skin,
there; in this weakened state, you are there.

your hand outstretched, waiting.
my eyes have deceived me before,

i reach for you,
for your touch,
your presence
your being.
my heart half empty, have full.
my mind tugging with emotion.

i stand cowardly, my mind reeling.
i reach for you....

2010-02-03T14:20:00.000-08:00

So it's been awhile... Ah my dearest blog, sits empty. Eagerly anticipating something, anything at this point. It's been almost two months since I wrote. So much longer in all other aspects of my life. Unless you consider and count the arbitrary things, such as bills, a card, a note to staff, a missed phone message to my boss. Frankly.. it's been a while. My dear friend Chad, has probably been waving the white flag of surrender to any hope that I will ever send him anything. I am sorry. A valiant effort, I hope to succeed soon. Just don't give up on me.
I know it doesn't matter to anyone if I have anything posted, but this used to be something that came second nature to me. Now I force myself, to think of anything noteworthy.
Since the new year, I feel I've been in a race, I'm still running, but being constantly lapped. I stay focused, but for all the wrong reasons, and the focus..well it's blurry at times. I seem to eat, breathe and sleep work anymore. Granted, I am blessed I have good jobs, and it does pay the bills, but sanity is just a state anymore.
My job is great, but is it so great, it interferes with all facets of my life? My passions are but a daydream, and my energy is zapped.
I was told just the other day, "Any day you wake up, is a good day!" I do believe that, but what happens when you just want to stay in bed?

HA----To prove my point, this was wrote around the first of the year, and I am going to attempt to finish it.

By rereading it is evident things have not changed, I am still busy, and I am still dreaming of my new comfy pillow, silky sheets, and slumber. I am almost certain I think of sleep at least ten times a day. Yet, when I am ready for bed, it is not at all what I had imagined. I seem to toss and turn aimlessly, and dream like a crazy person.

Ah good intentions, but wasted endeavors. I want to write, I try to write, but come up empty handed. I used to be good at it, or should I say good at least putting words to paper/screen.

Yeah, pretty certain I am still in that above mentioned race, but at this point I am walking. I will finish, but it won't be pretty.

I will be better blogger, I guarantee it! (I am not promising this time though!)

This time for real

2010-02-03T13:55:00.000-08:00

i've seen enough, i've heard enough
it will never be enough.

what will i need to do?

this is the leaving, whats left of me and you.

my last bag packed, the wounds yet to heal, i stand steady....

this time for real.

i look for you, but i know.

on the wall,the frame
the photograph that binds us

smugly aware it was all for show.

the tick tock, the mantel clock time displays defeat.

just one last tryst a pass by the home, of two lives together, but all alone.

the drip drip drop, the faucet echos in a hollow kitchen,
a loveless meal.

i needed your help, i needed sense of direction
something of some sort or any attention.

relationships; make you crazy, make you cry.
make you meager, a beggar a disarray to disguise.

the newspaper sits by your arm chair stand,
your shirt starched and pristine.
however, for the last time.

what was thought to be love, all but turned out to be wool covering the bleeting of the proverbial lamb to slaughter.

I slam the door, for lasting impact, a little self release.
The click clack of heels on pavement, the sound of not looking back

this time for real

a good book

2009-12-29T13:55:00.000-08:00

Lately, I have found myself, picking bad reading. Well rather, my mother has. She is kind enough to give me her books after she has read, and then I too, can pass them on. It's been months of idle shop talk. Mom and I used to talk of the books, curious what the next chapter in the life of so and so would be like, but as of late.. nothing. I have a total of 15 books, I have just thrown in the Goodwill box, because I can't get into them. I have given them chapters, waiting for something to spark my soul. Today.........after one paragraph of a new book, I am hooked. Ahh glorious grand feeling. It's like hitting the lottery. I am almost afraid to peek in farther, for fear the book will let me down, or I will read so fast, I will be pedaling faster and harder for a new book. It makes me wonder if my degree of curiousity, adventure, or zest has changed, that all of a sudden, I am bored. I hope not. I just hope it was the lofty choices of the "book club" my mother belongs too.
Ahhh joyous occasion I have a fulfilling story to unfold in front of me.

2009-07-28T10:27:00.000-07:00

maybe i meant broken
pushed to hard
lost along the way
no one seemed to know
or care for that matter.
look into these eyes
no soul. no spirit.
dont' you realize you've become me,
something you want,
can't get away from.
dark shadows, orbits of
hallowed wells.
that makes us stand up and realize
life doesn't fear you,
but you fear the fact of life grasping
all you live for.

trying to get back on the blogging track...

2009-02-11T08:04:00.000-08:00

it's been a long while, too long, yet, as i decided i wanted to write something, i really don't know what i want to say.
my mind a funnel, an ever whirling wind of ...well just that, full of wind.

i heard a line from a song, "all i want is today".........yeah, that is precisely what i want.....but really what is that?

each day seems to be a new struggle to get going. I am no longer that engine that could, I am that jalopy, that spits, sputters, and rattles getting ready in the morning.

i need caffeine, and alot of it each day.
i take less and less time in the morning to get ready, as sleep now seems more of a priority. yet...i've gotten more sleep in the last year, than i have in many years past.

i say a small silent prayer every morning before I turn my computer on at work, that no one will yell at me, and TODAY will be a good day.

i wish i didn't rely on 'wishing' so much.

RaNDomNEss

2008-07-22T07:09:00.000-07:00

this is the first time i've ever gotten an earache since maybe birth, i never want another one, i feel like i am walking on a balance beam on a pontoon.

i think this has been one of the craziest years for weather; snow till may, tornado's everyday, (no ryhming intended)and yet we are in the midst of global warming.

what exactly is global warming?

lately i crave sleep, reese's, watermelon, perfect fountain diet coke, thunder but no storm, sweet corn, and cold. I am not interested in the interrupted night sleep, but hard out of it naps. fresh reeses' just bagged from the assembly line, watermelon, ripe and seedless. diet coke bursting with carbonation, plenty of ice, and a good solid straw. Lots and lots of cracking thunder, but a gentle rain. I want sweet corn on the cob, the small ears of speckled corn bursting with flavor and nice cold air conditioning, so chilly i can curl up with a blanket and book and be satisfied. I hate waking wrapped in sweat, and sticky. I like the shock my body gets going from the hot muggy outdoors to inside a ice bin.. ahhh... glorious goosebumps.

i can't stand the anti smoking commercials, with fake dummie bodies lined up, or the one million dead, etc... I don't smoke, I am a poster child for pushing the cancer stick to cease, yet I am baffled and mad at the atrocity of those commercials. yes, i am mental.

i love the smell of wet dirt, soaked earth, and new grass, especially after a rain, but yet, i throw profanity's into the atomosphere, mowing my bumpy yard. However, when it's all said and done, mowing isn't all that bad. But why hasn't it been mowed in two weeks?

I realize I have a minor obsession lately with my cell phone, it's at my side all the time, or the inbox tab on my email, i am forever and constantly 'refreshing' it.

I find myself consumed by my facebook and myspace, and wonder what year it will be passing fancy and 'so outdated'..... It drives me nuts when people send me money for buying me, or comments on taking a movie quiz, but yet I heartily smile, b.c. i got a new comment. I am possessed by the internet, due to my lifelines of these two pages. I love bragging my niece up, getting emails, or seeing a new friend request, but yet saddens me to think I keep in touch, only by these accounts.

lately i've had dreams about dolphins, should i be concerned?

I love the way the neon color of a highlighter lights up a page when first dabbed, but i am disheartened by the final stage. It's a drab almost mustard yellow. I guess still succeeds in getting it's point across, just not ...well as pretty.

I've decided lately one of my favorite smells is, fresh doughnuts.... ahhh glorious! I walk into gas station in the morning to get my 'perfect' diet coke and the aroma hits me...I've been so proud of myself, I haven't faltered and grabbed a whole box, or one for that matter of those glazed wheels of heaven. Man I can see myself go weak in the knees and cave soon.

Did you know that I have never had a twinkee, a t.v. dinner, learned to drive a stick shift or had a banana split.

I want to go hang gliding, bungee jumping, backpacking through New Zealand, and have my own studio.

I was told a few weeks back by an elder that I looked like a smart girl, while pumping gas. He told me to add a little water to each gallon in my gas tank and it would cut down on fuel costs. Ahh... I must be a 'smart' girl.

I need my diet coke..

Discovery Channel: I Love the World

2008-06-26T15:00:00.001-07:00

seriously does anyone else get this song completely stuck in your head all day???

175 days in.....Make that 178

2008-06-23T08:24:00.000-07:00

SO WE ARE 175 DAYS INTO 2008. MY LAND WHERE DOES TIME GO.... THE YEAR IS HALF OVER, AND .....WELL...... I HAVE NOTHING TO SHOW FOR .. MY BLOG. NEGLIGENT. I NEED TO TREAT THIS AS A CHILD, A JOB, A PLANT, OR A PET. BUT THEN IF THIS WERE A PLANT, IT WOULD BE DEAD, AND IF IT WERE A PET, IT WOULD BE MISSING OR LIVING AT THE NEIGHBORS. I HAVE SUCH GOOD INTENTION TO WRITE, SUCH INCREDIBLE AMBITION TO DO SO, AND SOMETIMES CREATIVE IDEAS.. BUT HERE I SIT. I CHECKED OUT MY 'DRAFTS' I HAVE SEVENTEEN UNFINISHED RAMBLES IN HERE. LETS SEE IF I CAN CONTINUE WITH ANY, OR JUST CALL THEM A BUST. I FIGURED TO ATTAIN MY SHORTCOMINGS, I COULD AT LEAST WRITE ONE BLOG A WEEK, BUT THAT MEANS I HAVE TWENTYFIVE TO WRITE. SHOULD I KEEP THEM TALLIED ON A CHALKBOARD, ON HOW MANY I HAVE YET TO GO?
IT'S NOT THAT I HAVE TO BLOG BUT I FEEL I SHOULD. I FAILED CHAD IN THE WRITING EXERCISES. DANG IT!!! I HATE THAT I DID THAT, AND NOW I FEEL THE WILL TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.
FOR INSTANCE I HAVE NO IDEA WHY I AM WRITING IN CAPS. I FURTHER DON'T KNOW WHY I HAVE RUN ON SENTANCES OR THE FACT I FEEL THE NEED TO SPELL OUT NUMBERS.
IF NOT FOR THE SIMPLE FACT, I GUESS I CAN.
I REALLY CAN'T BELIEVE THE YEAR IS HALF GONE. WOW... HALF GONE. I GUESS I AM BUMMED, BECAUSE MY NEW YEARS RESOLUTION WAS TO MAKE A DIFFERANCE IN MY WRITING, TO BLOG MAYBE DAILY, AND TO GET STUFF OUT THERE.. AS YOU CAN SEE...... ANOTHER ONE BITES THE DUST.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
FUNNY DIDN'T GET THIS DONE, WE ARE 178 DAYS IN... I KNOW MYSELF BETTER THAN I THOUGHT. THAT IS SCARY.
I WILL POST AS I STILL HAVE A GRASP OF THE REALITY OF WRITING THAT LIES BEFORE ME.
PLEASE FELLOW BLOGGERS, BID ME WELL. I DESPERATELY NEED IT!

2008-04-15T14:40:00.000-07:00

GONE ASTRAY,
FLEW TO HIGH,
WIND CAUGHT MY STRING,
LET IT GO, LET IT UNWIND

I LOST MY WAY,
....I DON'T MIND.

NEVER AGAIN WILL I STAY,IN JUST ONE PLACE.
NEVER AGAIN WILL I STAY PLANTED, AND NOT RISE.

PAST TREES, CLOUDS, THE HEAVENS...
INSPIRATION, DREAMS, TOMORROWS.

IT SOARS WITHOUT RESTRAINT, I HOPE HUMBLY.

THE SUNS RAYS KISS THE TREES TOWARDS EARTH
THE PAVEMENT RADIATES THE SOUL,
REFLECTIONS OF SELF, CAPTIVATED.

THE KITE SOARS, I FEEL FREE,
I WISH UPON IT.

YEARN FOR IT'S SIMPLICITY, I CRAVE THE DESIRE, PARDON MY DUTIES OF RESTRAINT.

THE LAST HINT OF RED FADES INTO THE HORIZON
EYES WIDE OPEN, I SEE CLEARLY.

CHAD AND REMI.. PART 1

2008-02-27T14:13:00.000-08:00

SO PER CHAD, WE ARE BACK IN "SCHOOL" A SCHOOL OF CHAD AND REMI, I PRESUME. WRITING ASSIGNMENTS PER DE' BLOG. I AM EXCITED, AS I HAVE NOT DONE MY PART IN KEEPING UP THE FLOW OF WORDS TO THIS DARLING SITE. THE POEM, THE LYRICAL GENIUS (HA) HAS BEEN ON SABBATICAL FAR TOO LONG.
I AM PULLING BACK THE COVERS, AND WE WILL SEE IF I CAN KEEP UP MY PART OF THE BARGAIN....YIKES. I ENJOY A CHALLENGE, BUT LET'S SEE IF MY COUNTERPART, REMI CAN HANDLE IT.

I ASSURE YOU CHAD, I AM UP TO THE CHALLENGE, AND IT WASN'T A MOMENT OF WEAKNESS.

WSC STUDENTS PREVAIL!!!

I MEAN SERIOUSLY, AS DR.KEENAN WOULD SAY, "YOU CAN TURN EXCREMENT INTO APPLESAUCE!"

throwing kisses.....

2008-02-15T13:08:00.000-08:00

Lefty, they called me....

The group of regulars, coming in for their morning coffee. I poured the coffee left handed, and they assured me it tasted better for that. I read in my home town paper, that Floyd passed away. He was the ring leader in daily chortle about discussions favoring my life. Almost fifteen years since I worked the diner, but feels like yesterday sometimes.
A group of three farmers, with so many interests, some different, most alike, but they all favored the coffee and the same taboo of picking on the bubbly waitress....me.
If they only knew, how many times they were all thought of over the years, and how often I did heed their advice.
Floyd, tried to get a rise out of the other waitress's one Saturday morning, by attempted to catch a kiss. Although, very much a gentleman, he would have never done such a thing. After my third passing of coffee, I leaned over and gave Floyd a kiss on the cheeck.
He smiled, and said
"Amy, never freely throw kisses, your too good of a girl, remember that." Shortly after that comment he goes... If I hadn't freely thrown a kiss out there though, I would have never kissed the one woman that mattered, the woman I married. ( So... possibly a double edged sword. )
Knowing what I did of Floyd, and the rest of the men, I guarantee they were quite the charmers in their "courting" days.
However, the statement of "throwing kisses" didn't get thought of till last night.
Sitting with friends at the Eagles last night, all bantering about the ho hum doldrums of Cupid himself....Valentine's Day. Jim, the "farmer" the likeable cause of most of our jokes anyway, made a comment of being a kid at heart, and that started the candy.
We had a bag of Hershey kisses. The kisses got thrown around for the most part of the remainder of the evening. It became the joke, with the five of us in there that were really "freely throwing kisses."
Had just read Frank's obituary, and thinking of those days, I couldn't help but laugh of his advice.....and although Frank's advice was most likely not meant to be the chocolate kiss, it was a night that molded a memory.
So as I deftly threw those kisses around, I can't help but think...... you really knew what you were talking about.
The quarter under the coffee cup, the twinkle in your eye, and the "matter" in which you discussed my life I am grateful for having known you.
The last time I saw you was August 17th, 2007 on my father's birthday at Popo's. For old time sake, I poured the coffee. You smiled, and before my family left, you gave me a quarter. I still have it.
To my posse of men, Floyd, Frank and Milon, thanks for the reflection, and allowing me to throw kisses.

UNTITLED

2008-02-07T14:49:00.000-08:00

FRAGILE, I AM LOST.
LIKE HOPE FORGOTTEN IN LIKLIHOOD.
I GAVE TOO MUCH,
BUT NOT ENOUGH OF ME.
I PULLED AWAY,
YOU BROKE FREE.

I WASTED REASON, ON WHAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN.

I BELONG SOMEWHERE, BUT HAVEN'T GOTTEN WHERE I AM SUPPPOSED TO BE.

ISOLATION OF FEARED BELONGING,
VOID OF TRUST, I EMBRACE THE THEORY OF IT.

I KNOW NOTHING BUT CHAOS, NOTHING BUT MISREPRESENTED FACE.
EXPECTING HURT.. A CAUSE AND EFFECT
THE REACTION I REPLAY.

A ONE PERSON ARMY ...DEFENDING ME.

Always a Bridesmaid, Never a Bride --Out January 11th

2008-01-03T13:51:00.000-08:00

AHHHH I am soo excited to see this movie,"27 Dresses." Because trust me, I can totally relate. Thanks to my friend Kelly, in the hills that first briefed me on this movie, I can't wait to watch. I have been a bridesmaid ELEVEN times, that I know of, and I have been in other various roles that I have not counted.. Such as soloist, a reader, a flower pinner, a punch pour er, the videographer, the personal attendant, etc.... I know Katherine Heigl's role well. Always a bridesmaid, but never a bride!
From the previews, it appears she has much odder dresses than I had. I have been fortunate to recollect only one dress that I was embarrassed to wear. Oh everyone it came with a muff and all. I scratched and made noises when I walked. I really looked like a human garbage bag.
Awhile back, friends of mine joked about wearing past dresses.....as either a girls night out, or a scary Halloween scene gone all wrong. My goal to get back into the most hideous dress that I still own, and party on! Anyone up to the challenge with me????? Come on, women you still have to have those dresses somewhere? Men....... if you are brave enough, you are welcome to be on the arm of us!
Enjoy the trailer and go see "27 dresses" ... I bet you'll laugh thinking of me and all my past dresses!

REMEMBERING SAM JOHNSON

2007-12-20T11:34:00.000-08:00

01/14/1954 – 12/18/2007

Olivia sent me a note, entitled my father. I didn’t have to open, to know what it said. He’s an angel now. Olivia’s father Sam lost his battle to cancer. It’s never an easy thing to hear, when you know of someone whose life was taken too early. It’s even harder to swallow, when you don’t know what to say to your best friend, about losing her father. Sadly this has happened twice in my life, and both times I am at a total loss for words. Nothing is more painful, than knowing my friends are hurting.

I feel helpless.

I fumble with my talk, I fumble with my words, but hopefully what I write I won’t falter on.

It seems my fondest memories of Sam; seem to all derive around Nebraska football. It appeared that Sam never really fully understood what he got himself into by taking Olivia and I to the Nebraska vs Colorado football game some odd years ago. Because of Sam’s work, involving team planes, Olivia and I were able to spend a weekend with both the Nebraska and Colorado football players and coaches at Thanksgiving. Sam, not only had to worry about his duties, he had to make sure the two of us were behaving. (Nothing like Colorado Bulldogs, with the Colorado team the night before.) Sam propped us both up in the middle of Colorado fans, wearing bright red. More than once, we had a slight pop to the back of the head to pay attention to the game not the new players, or the male cheerleaders we had met. Our giggles, and our stories, left Sam speechless.
It was then Sam, who took our wayward spring bodies in, our last year in college. Again, I can almost her him mime, never again girls. From breaking his roommate’s bed at that time, to nonstop cackle in the middle of spring break rush hour San Antonio style, Sam never furled his lips to frown, but smiled widely and shook his head in amazement all the while. He learned more about dying hair, two day hangovers, and what we women need than he ever wanted to know.
But.. The coolest thing is, not once did Sam ever hinder us from being the brave twentysomethings we thought we were, and never did his smile cease.
Not to mention I learned the fated tale of the texas armodillo from Sam.

You will be missed Sam Johnson.

Christmas in Heaven
Don’t cry for me, angels sang and carried me away.
Their voices soothing, far more triumphant than all the Christmas carols combined.

The Heavens stars remind me of the twinkle lights that pave the street, brilliant, and constant.

Don’t cry for me, I am spending Christmas with Jesus this year.

Dry your eyes my loved ones, I am among the angels now.
My soul a special gift to heaven, heaven’s exclusive gift to you.

Don’t cry for me, I am with you on this Christmas Day. Look within; I am not so far away.
I know you are hurting, but I am not anymore.

Christmas Angels have catered to me; have given me god’s gift, love and blessing.
I am at home now.
My gift on this day to you and always, will be undying love wrapped and counted for under the tree.
Each of you will know, I am there in your unique way.

I will see you always, I will miss you always, but I am home to stay.

Don’t cry for me my loved ones, I am forever your angel and with Jesus on this holiday.

By A.R.

Running

2007-12-12T14:34:00.001-08:00

Footsteps,
harder,
louder,
faster
pavement pressing to both my soles.
Each step a dream.
Movements tangled, wind talking
freedom profound.
Steamy sweat
so calescent, it's cool upon my body.
Each enfold, against the pavement take beating
each stride exceptional.
The left Novocaine for the anguish, burden, mental revilement.
The right, visions for serenity, goals, tomorrows anew.
Each pound against the pavement the same, but each diverse.
My breath burns my chest, my heart pounds so hard, my ears tingle.
The road ahead never ending,
gives course in life's surprises and bringing.

That is running....

Stay...

2007-12-12T14:14:00.000-08:00

found a portion of something I wrote a while back, but never finished....

Stay

I envision
bright path
come back to me,
home to stay.
If I asked you to stay,
would that be ok?
I'll never let you go
you'll never be alone
we'll grow old,
the same.
The answer, the need to belong
a call all your own.
I ask you to stay, so nights alone won't replay
just say ok.
I fear over, I deem necessary,
I just want the chance, to change, the nod
the want of knowing it's not over.
It's cold outside, It's cold inside
Just take the chance
fall for this, fall over again,
stay the night,
just say ok.
Time deals trade outs,
tonights the night, to fall over again.
I'm unprepared, but so prepared for
this.
I'm much more than surface deep,
I can be the impossible,
the dreamer of reality, the reality of daydreaming.
just stay....

Bear Butte a must see...

2007-12-05T14:07:00.000-08:00

IF I could go anywhere today, it would be here. Bear Butte, in the Black Hills of S.D. My good friend Kelly took me there some time back, and although the name I often forget, the image is forever engrained in my memory. I am awestruck by mother natures hand in making such formations to exist. I sometimes wonder how many people really take time to capture nature's handiwork. Today, sitting at my desk, I peer out the window to the dead lilac bushes that brush my window pane. Often birds perch upon the lilacs and I don't think much of it. Today, however one determined bird kept pecking at the bud, after many failed attemts, the bird finally got what is was yearning for. I need to take more breaks, additional time to catch my breath and watch it spiral to the heavens on a cold winter day, to fully capture the sun on my sill, instead of closing it, and to grasp greatness I have in front of me. Nature is a painted masterpiece, a masterpiece sometimes we truly overlook. ..

enjoy what we have, enjoy what you can see, and for whatever it is worth, go explore the beauty in front of you... even if it means you get caught up in daydream at work.

blessings

amy

I sing the blues...

2007-11-25T20:21:00.000-08:00

Today I got off Pamida early, and although I was tired, I was restless.
I noticed alot of cars on my block, but didn't think too much of it. Until I could hear muffled voices close, thinking it was the neighbors I peer out. Realizing a gaggle of people on the block were talking in the middle of my yard. So yes, the nosy person I am. I cracked the window open, to hear about the holiday's, the weather, sports, and then me. Yeah, what I come to realize, I am the black sheep the outsider. God Bless my neighbor, who gave what she knew about me, and all truth, but then the cut...... I wasn't invited to a neighborhood birthday party because I didn't have children, and there is no way I could relate. Then it hit me.......I will never fit in, because of who I am. Not that I care in the neighborhood realm of things, but what in turn, it made me realize.... People really don't know the real me. 1/2 my fault, but so seriously misread.
I hit the end of a holiday on a sour note..........

I am blessed by you....

2007-11-21T14:12:00.000-08:00

Well on the eve of Thanksgiving, a special day to be thankful. I am so blessed by so many things, that I am scared to start listing, because I am wary of forgetting someone, but here is goes.
My mother, my icon, my strength, and my idol. She is a woman of so many strengths, that if I am half of her, at 50, I will be honored.
My father, although we argue, and we are both stubborn, he taught me to never back down. I will forever be his little girl.
Jason, my brother, I am sincerely blessed by your many talents and your passion for life.
Jeremy, my brother, who fought the odds at a young age and won, who in turn brought me Kari, a sister I never had.
Grandma Sten, I am blessed by all your will, all that you taught me, and how you allowed me to grow, you've seen it all, and never gave up faith in mankind.
Olivia, my soul sister, my best friend, I wouldn't have made it through the past 15 years without you, the blessing of being so far apart, but never far from thought.
Kelly, every day I thank all of who I am for you. That fateful day in the wake of May, you brought me to surface, and held the light. You know me inside and out. No one knows me the way you do.
Joshua, I am blessed to have known what love enfolds, to have loved you and privileged to still be your friend.
Megan, Gina, and Stacey, I am blessed to have you there through our antics, our games, our tears, and our misgivings. Our friendship and spirit will get us through anything.
Sam, a man I haven't known my whole life, and can trust. I am blessed to have met you, and know you through all your sights.
Maggie and Joe, Through the thick, and through the thin, the m &m's and intervention, I wouldn't be the person I am today.
Jonathan and David, I am so blessed by your advice, your compassion and your will to find me the man! I love you guys!
Ali, my music Goo Ru! Wow, what can I say, we have great taste in music, but we have great taste in friendships too!
Jason, one of the only men to see me cry, and literally catch my tears. The man that inspired me to dance to a diff. tune, to beg the fun Amy to evolve, and to always be there for me.
Hannah, my beloved niece, I am so blessed by you, your smile, your giggle, your presence, engulfs a smile that wholly shines.
Chad, my writing and music man, my advice giver and keeper of thoughts. I am blessed WSC allowed us the privilege of getting to know one another, and blessed the Internet/my space brought us back.
Natasha, my little angel. I am blessed by the amount of energy you have, and how just seeing you gets me through the roughest day.
Happy Thanksgiving my dear friends...
Love and Blessings
Amy

SUFFOCATE

2007-11-02T13:16:00.000-07:00

HOPE TOYS WITH ME, TETHERING ON STAR DUST. I SCREAM AT THE TOPS OF MY LUNGS, AND I AM THE ONLY ONE THAT UNDERSTANDS.
I HAVE A PLAN, A GREAT ONE. I HAVE A DREAM, IT'S A SMALL ONE. I WISH, BUT LIKE MY HOPE IT IS BRUSHED IN STAR DUST.
IF I COULD TURN BACK THE YEARS, LEARN TO STAND UP, OR KNOW WHAT I SAY. I AM AN EMOTIONAL DISARRAY, MY HEAD HURTS. I THINK UGLY, I HURT AND YOU LIKE IT THAT WAY.
I WANT TO WALK AWAY, I HAVE WALKED AWAY, BUT THEN I STAY.
NEVER TOGETHER, NEVER APART. THIS IS MORE THAN JUST WORDS, MORE THAN EMOTION. I CAN SMILE AND CRY AT THE SAME TIME.
PLEASE ABOLISH MY MEMORY, ATTAIN A NEW DIRECTION.
I HAVE SUFFOCATED.

it's a new month

2007-11-01T14:05:00.000-07:00

thrown away from you
i bounce back
a deep desire, i've let myself fall for.

i assure i am the one, the complete in the smile
the warmth in a once cold embrace.

raindrops to tears
lives to fear

fingertips eloquently tangle the ivory
i envision the music loud and poetic.

to stay, to run, to fall, or spring
i can't remember the season i awakened to last.

the speak in what was spoken, i know i will and shall forever be okay.

tomorrow, lives not for yesterday
but tomorrow is lived for, for today.

bobble heading.. but not for apples..

2007-10-31T13:30:00.000-07:00

I suppose it is a sign that I should not blog today, when I tried unsuccessfully 3 times to get into it. Thus shutting my computer down.
It's Halloween! I wish tricks and treats for everyone. It's a beautiful fall day, and although the mercury will drop this evening, today is remarkable.
Today I feel like a bobble head. Really... I am still going, but I need the push to keep going. Of course looking silly doing it. Imagine it now, someone tapping my nose to make my head waggle..
I'm offtrack with my mood today as well. I'm recumbent and well spacey. I eagerly anticipate seeing the three girls in my life later today though. Miss Hannah, my niece, Miss Natasha, and Miss Samantha Joe. Ahh the three rays of sunshine.
My friend Chad gave me this incredible blogging idea, and well, my brain just isn't functioning on all cylinders.. (remember, bobble head)

Maybe tomorrow, for a post Halloween idea.

Sidestepping and going with the bobble head effect, I am listening to Five for Fighting, and the song, 100 years. It's soothes the soul and such a time line in recourse for life. Chasing life, living life, and in moments, losing yourself. All in all learning great life lessons, in the 100 years you have to life. (poetically speaking of course.) If it doesn't make you stop in your tracks and think of your childhood and what you were many Halloweens back, I don't' know what would do it. I smile, thinking of Amy Nixon and I as Poppers Penguins, my my, we had one heck of a time. We could barely see, and we had the wobble. But.. But, we looked cool!

Today is my day to shout out.. to speak out to those... who have made my day brighter. Chad/Thad, whoever you really are for making me laugh uncontrollably, Megan, who I am sure left the office beaming with a bright wide smile that made her eyes sparkle. Kelly, who well eagerly sent me a video to thank me...and I did really enjoy video! Sam, who well should use his camera tonight, because I have ideas "bobbing" around in my head of what you could do, but instead most like exhausted from a long day at work, and chose the sofa instread. To Stacey who entertained me with her antics on myspace, lord.... I need new subject matter.
Happy Halloween.
I am out, and tomorrow lets hope refreshed

babble 101

2007-10-29T12:55:00.001-07:00

I talk myself in circles, and know what keeps me grounded, but I keep reaching for the stars anyway. If only I could handpick my favorite, and give them to you. I am sure each of your wishes would certainly come true.
I am lost, but found, but not entirely at home. I believe in who I am, but question some of my desires.
I catch myself crying in silence, enjoy the solitude, but don't realize my emotional longevity when it comes to crisis. I hurt, but don't always feel the pain. As if I've been given Novocaine to the already visible band aid. I strive to not leave scars.
I smile both on the inside and out, even when I doubt, fear, or fail. A smile is the foreground to hope, the jog to the sidestep in life. I am pretty when I smile. Even if I feel ugly.
I have a voice, it's passionaite, sometimes evasive, and at moments passive. I try to always speak, especially when spoken too. I fail when it comes to standing up for myself, but I do not falter on my beliefs. However, even with that, I do believe in myself.
My arms and heart are open and outstretched to you, to all I endeavor close. I keep secrets, I will make your tears my own, I am a good listener, however.. I tend to shut my heart out to most.
Sunshine is spoken, the Moon a light through the darkness, the stars a guide. We all need to be guided in some direction.

just words ..

2007-10-23T14:40:00.000-07:00

perfect
need a picture
a space, given just for you.
a photograph of crazy.
a little too hard to visualize,
the way i
feel into you.
i'm breathless,
tasteful, mindful.
you blur my surrounding
talk silly into sense.
interpret the freedom
of the photo sitting
next to my heart
to stay.

"THE LAW OF THE GARBAGE TRUCK"

2007-10-18T14:14:00.000-07:00

Below was forwarded to me, it's worth a read....
Often times I am unsettled, impatient, and angry at the wheel... This puts a whole new spin on things.

By: David J. Pollay (thank you chris for the info)

How often do you let other people's nonsense change
>
> your mood? Do you let a bad driver, rude waiter, curt boss,
>
> or an insensitive employee ruin your day? Unless you're the
>
> Terminator, for an instant you're probably set back on your
>
> heels. However, the mark of a successful person is how quickly
>
> she can get back her focus on what's important.
>
>
>
> Sixteen years ago I learned this lesson.
>
> I learned it in the back of a New York City taxi cab.
>
> Here's what happened.
>
>
>
> I hopped in a taxi, and we took off for Grand Central Station. We were
>
> driving in the right lane when, all of a sudden, a black car jumped out
> of a parking space right in front of us.
>
> My taxi driver slammed on his breaks, skidded,
>
> and missed the other car's back end by just inches!
>
> The driver of the other car, the guy who almost caused a big accident,
>
> whipped his head around and he started yelling bad words at us.
>
> My taxi driver just smiled and waved at the guy.
>
> And I mean, he was friendly.
>
> So, I said, "Why did you just do that?
>
> This guy almost ruined your car and sent us to the hospital!"
>
>
>
> And this is when my taxi driver told me what I
>
> now call, "The Law of the Garbage Truck."
>
>
>
> Many people are like garbage trucks.
>
> They run around full of garbage, full of frustration,
>
> full of anger, and full of disappointment.
>
> As their garbage piles up, they need a place to dump it.
>
> And if you let them, they'll dump it on you.
>
> When someone wants to dump on you, don't take it personally.
>
> You just smile, wave, wish them well, and move on.
>
> You'll be happy you did.
>
> So this was it: The "Law of the Garbage Truck."
>
> I started thinking, how often do I let Garbage Trucks run right over me?
>
> And how often do I take their garbage and spread it to other people:
>
> at work, at home, on the streets?
>
> It was that day I said, "I'm not going to do it anymore."
>
>
>
> I began to see garbage trucks.
>
> Like in the movie "The Sixth Sense," the little boy said, "I see dead people."
>
>
>
> Well, now "I see Garbage Trucks."
>
> I see the load they're carrying.
>
> I see them coming to drop it off.
>
> And like my Taxi Driver, I don't make it a personal thing;
>
> I just smile, wave, wish them well, and I move on.
>
>
>
> One of my favorite football players of all time, Walter Payton,
>
> did this every day on the football field.
>
> He would jump up as quickly as he hit the ground after being tackled.
>
>
>
> He never dwelled on a hit.
>
> Payton was ready to make the next play his best.
>
> Good leaders know they have to be ready for their next meeting.
>
>
>
> Good parents know that they have to welcome their children home
>
> from school with hugs and kisses.
>
> Leaders and parents know that they have to be fully present,
>
> and at their best for the people they care about.
>
>
>
> The bottom line is that successful people
>
> do not let Garbage Trucks take over their day.
>
> What about you?
>
> What would happen in your life, starting today,
>
> if you let more garbage trucks pass you by?
>
>
>
> Here's my bet.
>
> You'll be happier.
>

ABC's TO LIFE

2007-10-17T11:12:00.000-07:00

Allocate the Answer
Be Brave; Brace Being
Challenge Change, Cantor Creativity
Deem, Divulge and Diversify Destiny
Elaborate Emotion, Enter Equally
Favor Freedom, Free Fallible Finds
Grasp Greatness
Hold Honorable Hearts, Herald Humanity
Intertwine Influence, Initiate Intervention
Joke Joyously
Keep Kindness Kindred
Live Life, Lack Lust, Love for a Lifetime
Meet Merciful, Modify the Means
Nurture Noteworthy Needs
Oppose Opposition, Observe Omens
Pardon the Past, Praise the Present
Quantify Quality
Reach with Reason, Redeem with Reflection
Seize, Secure Senses. Sequester Shortcomings.
Tame Tempers, Together Tolerate, Trust Truth
Unveil Unique, Unearth Undertakings
Voice Versatility, Void Vain, Value Valor
Wager Wants
Xerox memories
Yearn for Youthful Years
Zing Zeal

what i learned from my niece...

2007-10-10T13:12:00.000-07:00

I watched my niece over the weekend, play with mega blocks. Putting several blocks together, then the process of building them up. She’d get to a point when it would get so tall and uneven, it would crash down. Instead of getting discouraged or just walk away, she’d pick it up, squeal with delight and start all over again. In watching her, I thought, WOW why can’t I be more like that?
To get excited when I have to start over, to not get discouraged when my surroundings fall around me, and eagerly accept picking up the pieces..

FOR THE WAR TO BE WON

2007-09-17T13:59:00.000-07:00

I CLOSE MY EYES AND PROVIDE THAT I CAN BRING HOPE TO YOU.

YOU HURT, BUT I WILL KEEP YOU STRONG, EACH LAYER, A TEARING DOWN OF THE WALLS.

LAY BENEATH THE BLANKETED EARTH AND WATCH THE STARS GO BY.
MY HEART HELD YOUR HURT, BUT ONLY FOR A PASSING MOMENT.

THE LAND A CROSSING OF BURDENS, A KNOWING OF ALL TRAITS. IT’S STAINED BY OUR TEARS, OR LOVE, LIFE AND FATE.

I TAKE BACK, ALL THAT COULD EVER BE LOST, AND PROVIDE OUR WAR ON ONE THAT CAN BE WON.

MY HEART A SHIELD, YOURS A DISARRAY,

A CASTED STONE, UPON THE WEAK TO PREY ON

OUR VOICES CONTAIN, ALL THAT WE ARE. TO BE, ALL THAT WE KNOW. IT’S ALL BEEN BESTOWED THE POWER OF BEING, BELIEF AND FAITH ABOVE.

TO BE DROWNING BY THE EARTHS POSESSIONS, I HOLD IN THE LAST BREATHE, FURVORED PASSION, A FLEETING GLIMPSE PAST THE MOON.

THE SUN RISES AND FALLS IN A PATTERNED FLIGHT ALL ITS OWN. THE ONE CONSTANT, THE CONSISTANCY IN EACH OF OUR LIVES.

TO CHANGE YOU, I WOULDN’T, TO TAKE THE FEAR, AND CULTIVATE NEW, I WOULD. I CAN’T MAKE IT MY OWN, BUT I WILL PROVIDE MY LIGHT AND VOICE.

I WILL PROVIDE FOR YOU, I WILL TAKE ON A BATTLE, FOR THE WALLS TO FALL, AND LOOKING DOWN I SEE YOU LOOK ABOVE.

YOU WILL REALIZE THE WANT AND NEED FOR YOU TO BE YOU.

what makes you tick?

2007-09-13T14:43:00.000-07:00

so just proposing a question out there....... what inspires you? what makes you tick? Depending on whatever it is, do you do it routinely?
We all have dreams, we all have dreams we hold inside, and those are usually what we push away
... But why???? why do you push them away? is it fear? is it your heart? is it peer pressure? is it against the grain? Did you create a new mold?

Let them in, let them near you, let them surface.

I was afraid to write, for fear of rejection, I was afraid to think, for fear of ridicule. I was afraid to speak my voice, to an unfavored opinion. Now......... so don't care. What I am afraid of, I am not, it is what has opened up so many new doors.

Be bold, be inspiring,...........but be you

Peace
Amy

"Return to Innocense"

2007-09-10T13:40:00.000-07:00

Ahhh I see the your cheesy grin right now, knowing that you are being thought of. I am still lost in thought, I was in your dreams, and still laughing for all the right reasons. I was really locked in your dreams, stuck in your head, as you tossed and turned and remembered in the a.m. Thats' well....... I am flattered.
Ahh silly, silly us. I can't believe it's been fifteen years since we met and well last saw one another. How one field trip, left us both with so many great memories. The song by enigma was our song, and it's still to this day one of my favorites. Everytime I hear it, I am lost in thought then a simple smile surfaces. Lord, what a stage performance we all had in D.C. To think, we've kept in touch, and Bob, Bob's still there too.
I didn't think much of my whole high school experience, but if I could relive one aspect of it, it would be the last 48 hours in D.C. Ahh the trouble we caused the bus m.c., the hotel staff, and not to mention our roommates. Well worth is though.
The first and last kiss that tickled my spine, and left me breathless was you, the first time I got teary eyed over a man was you. Now............. we both laugh at that. Crazy kids.. eh?
Ahh Mr. Cottrell, I suppose you are right, my heart is in texas. I need to return to innocense, and seriously I need to 'get a life' as you call it.
So Jonathan this is my shout out to you, to your antics, to your jokes, to the dream you had, and not to mention the friendship we have. You are simply the coolest!
Love ya

we all float on

2007-09-05T14:26:00.000-07:00

Again, ahhh I've been ignoring the site. I love having a short week, but seems the days after are all uphill. I can't decide my emotions or mood the last 48 hours. I've definitely catapulted about every emotion a person could have. Why? In part, some odd weeks later, I finally realized the fact of being used. I am gullible, I am a stupid naive person. Something I knew already, but didn't think I would fall once again. It just seems my heart and head don't tread down the same path, and somewhere one fails and the other doesn't know how to react. I refuse to accept that I have been an utter mockery to someones else's pleasure, but so be it.
I've realized in the past months with that, I have new friends that have definitely been my anchors and kept me floating on. God bless, Gina, Megan, and Maggie. Without them, I dont know how I would have forced smiles and laughter. They make madness, into perfect sense. We all lean on someone, whether it's a family member, a friend, spouse, or faith. Someone is there listening. I don't spill feelings, I seem to divert them, or tell just enough to thread the needle. I have this forbidden concept of not, saying no. But when I do, it comes back to bite me, or bothers me soo much, I can't sleep at night. Insane I do know that.
Sometimes I just don't want to be the nice person everything accepts I am. I want to be the person that take their food bad thru the drive thru because they screwed it up, instead I accept whatever it is. Or talk back and speak my peace when someone screams at me at the top of their lungs because something isnt' going their way. Instead, I take it all in, accept the complaint, and blame it on myself. However, I don't think I can break the mold of what shaped me. I know the difference of being a glutton and a hard ass, but why is it I appear to teeter on the glutton aspect. I guess I know the answer, I just don't know why I chose to be used.

caffeine intake

2007-08-30T14:18:00.000-07:00

I should have known my day would be a disaster when it started off by a gentleman at a convenient store, spraying pop all over me. Granted it wasn't his fault, the machine had run low. Once getting my diet coke, I have to listen to another man make stupid comments about how all that caffeine is gonna kill me. Only to mutter some likable response to amuse the man I stand in line to pay. If the guy only knew that I have to have some sort of caffeine in the morning to function. And if not function, help alleviate the stress from really making some snide comment in return.
He's now in line behind me, coughing, hacking, and complaining about this summer cold, that he's been taking meds for. All the while, thinking... if you get me sick, I will seek you out. I don't need a cold on top of allergies. Again, he makes a comment about my caffeine and how he doesn't touch the stuff. So politely I again, smile in his direction and said, you wouldn't want to be around me without at least one in the morning. As he chuckles, he is stopped by gasping and coughing and carrying on. Literally almost doubled over and holding onto the counter for support. If I hadn't been annoyed, I would have felt sorry for him....ok I did feel bad for him. As I pay for my "stuff that will kill me," a former co worker walks in the door. We briefly give salutations, long enough for me to hear the man as for three packages of some time of camel cigarettes.......
WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This man has the freaking nerve to rant and rave about my caffeine, and he's buying cigarettes while coughing up what lung he has left.
The nerve of some people......

kicking stones..

2007-08-29T14:19:00.001-07:00

Wow it's been almost a week since I've wrote last. Been thinking alot about my mood lately. Have'nt been the same bubbly self. Seems little things these past few weeks eat at me. Just random, no big deal "ISSUES" but yet, they take their toll. Of course why is it that when you are down, you just keep getting kicked.
I realized from all this, I hold alot in, and do a damn good job of not showing the pressure. However, when I am by myself, the layers melt and here I am ....can't sleep, and contemplate soo much.
David jokes about going on a walk............. how I would like that. We could get so much out on the table, without saying all that much. How one stone, could be kicked several miles without realizing it had traveled the distance. It's been six years, since I last kicked stones. How by the end of the walk, all life's issues were done and buried. How I wish life were still that simple.
My mood as of late, just generally is my health. How can one simple health issue, that isn't life threatening be such a pain in the rear. (ha literally for those that know the problem) I am tired of taking so many diff. meds, and I am so tired of looking at myself in the mirror, pretending tomorrow's the day, I'll stop, or start, and things will start their course.
I know that it all takes me at 100% of working towards the goal to do this. I falter, which isn't bad, because we all do, but seriously I can't.
It seems the second my head hits the pillow anymore I am asleep, but within the next two hours I am wide awake, and everything hits me at warp speed. Questions to answer, tasks to be done, and the tossing and turning begins.
I try to walk, but the pebbles aren't quite right, and the conversation just isnt' the same. Funny, because you've known this all along.
The church still sits vacant, still holds the stories, the laughter, tears, and fears, I sometimes wonder what it would feel like, if I started to talk there in silence. Would it remember, or would I feel you near.
The phone calls aren't the same. The jokes, the laughter, it's all there, but......... it's that stone. Or maybe that pat on the back.
I miss you

Procrastination

2007-08-22T13:30:00.000-07:00

I am in a lucid, antsy state today. Possible to be both? Everything seems to be closing in on me, but yet....everything so far away. So many things to do, and so many things to be done, that I am confident I have become the epitemy of a poster child for procrastination. In a race, and getting my ass kicked.
I don't regret what I need to do or what needs to be done. I obviously do it to myself, and in part a portion is getting ready for a wedding of two of my closest friends. So yeah, fun involved too. Minus the 5 hours of photos before the wedding though! And most likely tugging and pulling at the straps of my dress for 12 hours. (Maggie, you are worth it though!)
I want to leave, go on a drive, and forget about my adult responsibilities towards life this week, ahh how I want to be at my haven. The lake. A resort in the middle of Minnesota on the water, with endless inspirations at hand. Every direction, nature erupts into a postcard. Within that, every ounce of stress, every bad vibe, every notion of dark, seemingly melts away there. The waves hitting the beach, sand in between my toes, and shells of every shape and kind. Pebbles tossed in the lake, ahhh I so feel it now.
The wind in my hair, the way the sun engulfs the water to ribbons of velvet, and how the pounding of the waves to the boat, cradle me safe.
I can almost smell the campfire, a staple back at camp. It is always kindling, more so as dusk and into the midnight hours. The loons sing their song, and in the distance the moon scatters dust across the lake, like brilliant diamonds.
Ahh... I want to be there.
There is this strange high of just feels right, when I am there. It's my sanctuary. I can almost hear the cabin doors slamming, and the putter of the boat motors.
So yeah, Miss Procrastination herself, ME! is daydreaming again, but it aids in knowing I'll be there before the end of the year. At the time when the leaves are falling, and the earth turning cooler. I can't wait...
Till then, I have tasks at hand...
Later Bloggers

Me to You

2007-08-22T13:17:00.000-07:00

What I want isnt' what I need,

I, me
he, she
him, her
real, reality
clap, grasp
hide and seek.

Here, there
speak, spoke
better, best
pen to paper, just formality
no joke.

rich, riches
gain, growth
a diamond in the rough.

clear, clarity
caught my eye
see, saw, mesmerized.

I am right, I am wrong,
strength, strong

fuzzy, foggy
settled, lazy
isolated, motivated.

saw me in yourself,
you know me all along.

Chasing shadows

2007-08-21T14:45:00.000-07:00

You looked my way,
And when I spoke, nothing came out.
I could be lost, hurt, but needed.
I would be good, haven’t felt safe. But so secure in your direction.

Warm embrace
Tranquility washed anew

Sparkling
Dainty

I am lost but I know who I am

Flames ignite
Passion daunting

I am tossed
torn and hurt.

I see my reflection, catch my shadow embracing.

Cultivated by the memory, drawn in the tears,
I need no one.

peppermints, and a slice of life

2007-08-21T14:08:00.000-07:00

The other day I had stopped at the gas station to fill my car up with gas, and as I was waiting in line, this older gentleman behind me, was counting change out for his cup of coffee. Upon waiting, I couldn’t help but smile and take that moment in, he smelled of my grandfather; a faint smell of peppermint and fresh crisp laundry. When I pulled away from the station to my small drive to work, I thought of being a small child bouncing on my grandfathers knees, and although young, remembering his smell. It was many years ago, that he passed away, but that is something I wouldn’t forget.
Little things, precious things as such are what carry me through a day.
Small hand prints on a glass door, the smell after a spring rain, the way my niece kisses me, coke from a glass bottle, or when someone I care about says my name. It sends a tickle through my heart.
Lilacs in May picked and cut into mason jars, fresh lemon aid on a warm summer evening and postcards of friends summer destinations.
My hand being held, a clear summer night for star gazing, and a song I hear on the radio in the car I know every word to.
I remember holding the medal you got in Korea, and asking so many questions. I was young, and didn’t understand, but the familiar tuck of head to the shoulder, it didn’t matter. You always reminded me everything was better with grandma’s cake. Ironic, it still works.
The simplest things like grandmothers’ cake, still keep me going. No matter the event whether I attend or not, grandma brings me her cake, with a slice of advice.
Watching Fathers teach their daughters catch in the lawn, or a simple run through a sprinkler bring reflection. Having my hair combed by someone other than myself, and kisses on the forehead move me.
A text from a friend, just saying hello, and a phone call before bed just to tuck me in, mean more than they ever know.
You spent several hours putting mom’s kitchen set back together, so I could mimic grandma in the kitchen. You spent so much time taping and painting that old set back together, only to realize I had more fun with just a pot and a pan. Long after you passed on, that picture of me in front of the stove brings a comfort all its own.
Having a home cooked meal, a picnic on the lawn, or lunch with a friend, more simple pleasures.
Capturing the sun rise and set through my camera, laughter of a child mid stream, and catching the unexpected element on tape. Grandfather, you were the first to allow me to hold your camera and pushed me to an aspiring career of pictures of caterpillars, the sky and the occasional dreamer.
I was only eight when he passed away, but amazing what the mind allows us to remember. How keen our senses really are when they are heightened. If it had not been for that man waiting for his coffee, I wonder how long it would have been before I craved grandmother’s cake, or yearned for your memory.
Treasure what makes you smile…

Glass to Sand, Sand to Stone

2007-08-17T13:43:00.000-07:00

I hold the assortment of my soul, hastily cupped in my palm.
Imagining what doesn’t fit or don’t belong.
Focusing so long every one softens and blends into another. There in the midst, my head and heart you belong.
Long before each particle existed alone, they were together.
I had comfort all my own.
Grains of sand cut at my body, burns my eyes. Blinking, blurry and stings, however I see clearly. The glass cuts, but no blood. The grain burns flesh, but no flames erupt.
Controlled, temperance, belonging, desire, dimensional freedom, I stand strong.
Aggressive assortment of emotion, I can’t just allow only one. Same said of pleasures, so many to choose from, but not a priority. I am lost in moment lost in expressive art I taste the raw desire of being. A cultivating articulated doubt, however, Allowed, bold, independent, but compassionate enough to allow the grains to mold and form its own story.
A path cleared enough to reach to mine. Breathtaking but feared all at the same time.
The glass may shatter again, the shards fall where they lie, fragile but strong enough to form anew.

1000 Oceans Tori Amos

2007-08-16T14:54:00.001-07:00

2007-08-16T14:03:00.000-07:00

I woke up last night to rain against the window, falling in a unique pattern almost splashing back up the panes of glass. Yes, tired but soon very restless, and unsettled. I wanted nothing more than to fall quietly back into peaceful sleep, but then I started to think of you. A smile came across my face, but then bewildered that I was thinking so far back, and why now, of all times. 4 a.m. I have three hours of sleep yet. I don't want to think of you, but then I hear the lyrics of the all to familiar song, and I contemplate pinching myself to make sure I am really awake. Yeah, I hear it.. "These tears I've cried, I've cried 1000 oceans, And if it seems I'm floating in the darkness Well, I can't believe that I would keep Keep you from flying And I would cry 1000 more If that's what it takes To sail you home Sail you home Sail you home..." At that I want nothing more than to hear you breathe, watch your chest rise and fall, follow your left hand cupped together, to hold you and breathe your scent in. We promised each other what one could give, each others happiness. A promise that wasn't broken, and well maintained. Short cuts to each others problems, and the familiar nod.... to finish each others sentences. The spaghetti race down the wall, or entangled dark showers. Power and privilege we joked, and then there you are at the foot of my bed. I can almost see you now. Not wanting to disturb me, and 12 kisses for every hour in each half of the day. Maybe it's the advice I seek, the simple nod of approval, the pillow to the head, or the longevity of the embrace. The rain fainted.. soft teardrops against the window, I am smiling. It's the comfort in this darkness, to know you are still soaring, still flying towards your goals, and that you have sailed, we both have sailed to our live portal.

Dancing to the off beat....

2007-08-15T12:59:00.000-07:00

Do you ever propose questions to yourself of what ifs, you don't really want to happen, but know the reality of it is the conclusion for your own plot. I feel alot of times I am on the outside looking in, but when I am in the inside I want out, but look down and not up. Like saying good bye, when you know you'll see them tomorrow for a hello, or then the realization of the good bye, will really be the last goodbye. At least in the particular part of your life sequence or story line. I suppose the wind catching the door closed, but opening a window to a new beginning, is suffice to say for alot of reasons. The saying, "everything happens for a reason" true, but seriously it's like nails on a chalkboard. I cherish the advice of others, and I should listen more to the advice I give, but the saying about reasons, frankly is the last I want to hear. Again, most likely because there is meaning and truth behind it, but ...well I have no point. I could go around about this, but we've all heard the saying, and it's easy to accept, however hard to swallow.

I need to take more risks, I think for my own belief it will help clarify who I am. I may sink or swim, but I need to at least try. I am so comfortable in my own surroundings, I have cocooned comfort all my own. Which is great on one hand, but unfortunate on the other. I've limited some of who I am, to escape dancing to the beat of my own drummer. Trust me, I dance to my own "off" beat. I have been so welcomed by compliments by people who saw some of that while I was in college, and that makes me feel good. Chad, Amy (my DM), Kelly, Matthew, I thank my lucky stars for you backing me and pushing me to keep ever on. Each of you an instrumental part of who I am. Chad, who least knew of my work in college, but my mentor now. A constant and my sounding board. I mean who else really knows Remi? Amy, my DM my former roomie, constantly throwing out ideas, and forever longing for something new to fall asleep too. Our lives so similar in many ways at the time, she knew exactly what it meant. Kelly, a constant in my life, the one who never gave up on my passion as an artist. Who never allowed the light to dim altogether. You proved I have some fight left. Matthew, ahhh Matt, to this day, holds the Star Wars folder, a proud parent of a sort, of my news clippings, my chicken scratches, all my work. The right side, waiting for the break to cycle it's course and start over. I have something just for you, for that right side.

To my new friends and acquaintances Gina, Megan and Sam for allowing me to be myself, provide a pallet of a sort, and allowing me to ca tor to creative thought by sending you drafts. Sam, in addition for the canvas you brought to life through the camera lens. How, your work erupted vivid soul to form as quotes. You have an eye for raw beauty, often many escape in capturing or seeing at all.

Many ideas are floating, many I am pondering, and many are wrote in various forms on about six tablets. The door closed, the window is open, and there is justification in the reason, god allowed me to careen off the path I was on. Thanks to all of you for allowing me to be who I am, and more of who I am to follow.

I am off to dance!

drip drip, drip drop

2007-08-13T14:25:00.000-07:00

So it's probably too premature to comment on the water issues at the casa, but I am going to anyway. I think for the most part everything is resolved. I owe my brother more than sisterly knowledge and alcohol. The thing is, he'd do it all over again. Probably not making sense with the water, but if you go to my blog on my my space page, it will make more sense. I had actually three separate water issues to contend with. First the office.... Which actually isn't my problem, but is in my office. The air conditioner is on the ceiling and the condensation hose wasn't hooked up properly, now we have a major ceiling problem and I am waiting for the ceiling to cave at any moment. The home, a copper pipe in my utility room sprung a leak, and being the weeny I am was not able to turn my water off, plus that would of course mean no water at all. So the brain child I am, used a five gallon bucket and put a large Rubbermaid tote underneath that to catch the water. The water before I realized it was such a issue, destroyed several things in my room, but nothing I couldn't live without. Every four hrs changing the water, wasn't a fun task. Jason, my bro came over and took care of the pipe. Thank god he's a plumber of a sort. The third would have been my family room in the basement had water. I thought first the window from the various hard down pours, however, after I spent numerous hours cleaning carpets I didn't have one good answer. Last night it rained hard again, and snap!!! water again in the basement. Thank god for my brother once again, (trust me the man has a halo!) It turned out the sand from my shingles caused a block in the gutters and the rain was falling over and hard in that one area my floor was wet. So Jason the saint he is, cleaned the gutters, and promises to bring over a pick up load of dirt to resettle. Long term....... probably will have to shingle the roof soon. Have I mentioned, I hate being a home owner? As of this second I am listening to the drip of water from the ceiling of my office into a trashcan. I don't think that sound will leave my head anytime soon.
I'll blog at you all later tonight

Sleepless

2007-08-11T22:19:00.000-07:00

I had a sleepless night and now into the next morning, I wonder where the weekend began and ended. The condition of being so tired, you are restless and wired at the same time. I struggled so much for sleep last evening, that side effects included a broken vase on my nightstand, it took me a bit to unravel myself from the sheet, and several pillows ended up in places I hadn't realized a pillow could go. When is it when the body and the mind finally level and realize they both need rest?
Every tick, every drip, every crunch within the house and out become deafening. Left side, Right side, Stomach, Back, every position just as uncomfortable as the next. Oh, and why is it, when you are struggling so much for sleep, you start remembering everything you couldn't remember during the course of the day. A name of a person you saw, finally pops into your head, the title of the song finally rings true, and yeah, I was suppose to go to the post office today. But as you are tossing and turning, you don't want to get up and write down this stuff, for fear you will really wake up from the already weary state.
Somewhere in all that, I get to sleep, only to ask myself, did I really sleep, considering I remember watching a rerun of a infomercial, and still remember the song title. I know, if I really slept, I wouldn't have remembered such a thing.
One advantage to this past sleepless night, and what appears to be another (It's almost 1 a.m now) I sat on my deck for the first real time this summer. Curled up with a blanket, I watched every second of the sun rise. It was priceless to say the least. Watching the sun rise, was worth watching the alarm clock all night. The simple progression, the awakening of this saturday was somewhat like those flip books you had as a child. The one's you flick with your thumb and watch the events unravel from beginning to end in just a matter of seconds. Only with the sun rise, it was a matter of minutes that seemed like seconds, and you weren't able to flip and start over.... at least not until the next 24 hrs.
So, folks, I am off to try this again, sleep that is. I guess its a nice consolation knowing I can watch the sun rise if I can't sleep. Try it, I dare you.... Give yourself the gift to watch the sun rise wholly. Not while you are getting ready for work, or sitting at the kitchen table checking your email or reading the newspaper, or even driving to work, sit down, and watch every movement in the sky. Believe me, it's well worth your time.
Blessings!

Breaking the Ice

2007-08-10T20:46:00.000-07:00

So this is my first blog on an actual blogging site, and I almost feel pressured. As if I have my former college professor looking over my shoulder with that familiar sigh and nod. The faint smell of old cigarette smoke, and coffee breath comes to mind. At least I am not graded this time around, or feel all eyes on me. So yeah breaking the ice... to say the least. Maybe to myself as a personal gesture of pushing myself to express more of what I am about, or to the sorry saps I have entertained to read what my banter may be.
Chad, my first fan and my cheerleader. Or maybe more of a writing recruiter kicking me into shape and keep me going. Also thank god, he is wonderful with all this web stuff, or I would still be searching the www on really how to do this.
I will forewarn anyone that reads this that writing expresses emotion, and at times I may write about human interest that I will pour my heart and soul into, politics that may have me ranting on a soap box, or just randomness. Which yeah.. I know I know.. that is the purpose of blogging. However, I will warn, when I get into a subject that gets me fired up, all purpose of grammar flies out the window. Correct Kelly? As a certain photo brings out soul in the subject manner, I hope at times I can do just that in writing..... Of course all for entertainment and life purposes only.
I am trying to decide if this constitutes as my first blog, or if I need another go at it. Ahh.. trust me, there will be plenty of catching up and plenty of who I am to follow. So with that, I think I'll keep everyone in suspense.
I've had an interesting week, and alot of canvas before me.
With that.... I leave you till next time